2010

My Daddy, Me, My art "Laughing When I'm Lonely"

When 2010 began I brought in the New Year writing out my goals and the timeline I wanted to accomplish them in.  I had pages and pages of tables and schedules and desires.  I was really going to be doing something in 2010. Unfortunately none of those plans included telling the people that mattered to me, that I loved them.  I didn’t have plans for much of what really mattered. The New Year came rushing past me and my timeline was quickly discarded and I started feeling like I wasn’t accomplishing anything.

I think the most valuable thing I learned from all my plans to accomplish and look successful, is that everyday is a treasure.  I wasted a lot of time worrying about getting a job, and paying bills; or being depressed about the jobs I wasn’t getting and the bills I couldn’t pay and the goals I hadn’t gotten close to reaching, so I missed precious moments with my father.  I had no idea it would be the last time I would give him a back massage, drive him to the store, make his lunch, say happy birthday, sing a harmony with him, give him a hug, or just hearing him hum a song as he did work around the house.  Instead I was bitter that I still lived in his house, and couldn’t afford to leave.

I finally got a job and moved out of my father’s house in the beginning of November. I was relieved that I had at least reached one of my goals for the year.  I was also really excited, I finally felt grown and independent.  My father told me once that I have been trying to be grown and independent since I was 4 years old, so this was nothing new to him.  Seventeen days after I moved, the day I received my first paycheck, I was flying high, buying groceries, feeling grown and sexy…my father died. I had never even considered my world without my father in it.  He was constant, solid almost like breathing keeping me alive, supporting me always, but I never thought about it much he was just always there.

So, I don’t really have resolutions for 2011; because I learned in 2010 that all I really have time for is love. In 2011 I have intentions and I intend to express love authentically and hold every day as a treasure, and to be more present in those moments I am with the people who matter most.

Happy New Year folks 🙂

Family Moment with My Art

Daddy , me, and Bryce

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~ by alillia on January 12, 2011.

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