This is Beautiful

Blue Lilly 2006 48" X 60" Oil on Canvas

You may only see large breasts and beautiful colors but this is about lies. Lies I believed for so very long.  Lies that I am still having battles with. You see, someone told me this was ugly and worthless. His voice combined with the trauma of the occasion became louder than what my father told me.

New lies, loudly installed shouted at me everytime I looked in the mirror,

purchased clothes [looked int the mirror] ate food[looked in the mirror] had a crush[looked in the mirror] kissed a boy [looked in the mirror].

These lies became my scarred skin, became the kinks and coils of my hair; became every pound my body supported. the lies became my consciousness.

So your shallow comment, is my re-education and my painting is yours.  Everyone should know that they are beautiful. So thank you for your admiring glance, thank you for acknowledging my beauty, even though you don’t know the half of it.

It took me 10 years to see it myself. 10 years to see the power and preciousness of every step and breath

DIY Locs

Check out my hair!

So I figured I should at least have a post about my hair  since I am being featured on somebody else’s blog with it hehe!

So I started locs! I think my mother had some misgivings but I have been totally excited to start for like a year. I finally did it after hours and hours of  research (watchin youtube videos) and questioning all the locced people I happen to meet.

My boyfriend Matthew was sweet enough to help me make parts in the back of my hair and so my babies were born on January 1, 2011.

Anyways here are some pics I took the other day when they were 2 months and 11 days old.

Up close and personal

top view

Sideview

I’m Featured on someone else’s Blog!!

Ok so I am totally excited, my baby locs and I have been featured on www.Holisticlocs.com. I have been following this blog for sometime now and I am really inspired by all the awesome stuff Linda writes.  She’s had her locs for  about 10 years or something Fabulous like that. So I jumped at the chance when Linda wanted DIY loccers.  I enjoy doing my own hair and I’m totally honored that she’s put me on her blog.

check me out folks!!

peekin at the camera

Let yo belly out!

I was in a writing workshop, and the assignment was a free write and anyone who is familiar with that concept knows that what is written is based on what is running through your mind in that moment.  I heard the instructor take a deep breath; you know the kind that moves your belly out?  In most other circumstances, me noticing how another is breathing wouldn’t have been significant; but I copied him, took a deep breath of my own and because I was writing about all those thoughts that were coming into my head I realized that I rarely take deep breaths.

Once I had noticed that particular thought I started thinking (and writing) about why.  I was in 7^th grade, it was a horrible time when puberty and the concept of cool was hitting everyone around me and I began to realize that I was fat.   I was getting ready for some event or other and my mother said I needed to tuck my stomach in and that maybe she should get me a girdle.  For those who don’t know a girdle is one of those mysterious things women wear under clothes that holds all those pieces that jiggle (like flabby bellies) in place. I think this may be in an effort to lure eligible men with our non jiggle-ness.  I always felt like this was useless because the clothes are going to come off at some point right? So anyways sorry I got distracted, I was immediately aware that something wasn’t quite right with my middle section and I have spent the rest of my life obsessing about it.  Every article of clothing I purchased, how I sat, and where I sat was affected by my belly and how big I thought it would look

I remember getting my father’s duct tape and taping half my torso trying to get my belly to stay in. Fortunately I couldn’t breathe and it hurt so that only lasted like 10 minutes.  However, I have been holding my stomach in ever since.

I feel like I have warped my own vitality. Breathing is like one of the most important functions of living. So from now on I am going to let my belly out and breathe… deeply.

My belly

2010

My Daddy, Me, My art "Laughing When I'm Lonely"

When 2010 began I brought in the New Year writing out my goals and the timeline I wanted to accomplish them in.  I had pages and pages of tables and schedules and desires.  I was really going to be doing something in 2010. Unfortunately none of those plans included telling the people that mattered to me, that I loved them.  I didn’t have plans for much of what really mattered. The New Year came rushing past me and my timeline was quickly discarded and I started feeling like I wasn’t accomplishing anything.

I think the most valuable thing I learned from all my plans to accomplish and look successful, is that everyday is a treasure.  I wasted a lot of time worrying about getting a job, and paying bills; or being depressed about the jobs I wasn’t getting and the bills I couldn’t pay and the goals I hadn’t gotten close to reaching, so I missed precious moments with my father.  I had no idea it would be the last time I would give him a back massage, drive him to the store, make his lunch, say happy birthday, sing a harmony with him, give him a hug, or just hearing him hum a song as he did work around the house.  Instead I was bitter that I still lived in his house, and couldn’t afford to leave.

I finally got a job and moved out of my father’s house in the beginning of November. I was relieved that I had at least reached one of my goals for the year.  I was also really excited, I finally felt grown and independent.  My father told me once that I have been trying to be grown and independent since I was 4 years old, so this was nothing new to him.  Seventeen days after I moved, the day I received my first paycheck, I was flying high, buying groceries, feeling grown and sexy…my father died. I had never even considered my world without my father in it.  He was constant, solid almost like breathing keeping me alive, supporting me always, but I never thought about it much he was just always there.

So, I don’t really have resolutions for 2011; because I learned in 2010 that all I really have time for is love. In 2011 I have intentions and I intend to express love authentically and hold every day as a treasure, and to be more present in those moments I am with the people who matter most.

Happy New Year folks

Family Moment with My Art

Daddy , me, and Bryce

5 Goals

My brother and I had an interesting conversation the other day, and he asked me “ what are 5 goals that you wish to accomplish in your life?” I’ve been giving his question some serious thought. Exploring what is really important to me and what would be worth it at the end of this life. It only took me about 10 minutes to come up with the five things I list below but much longer than that to expound on the ideas.

To never stop expressing

To grow spiritually

To be independent

To focus on truly loving

To facilitate healing

To never stop expressing

For me this covers several areas, the first being singing I consider it my first language, it feels the most native to me. I want to keep singing till my vocal chords are old and raspy. I want still be using the m when I’m considered old, to express my joy, love, sorrows, and transcendence. I also want to be painting when my fingers are bent and my joints stiff. I want to thoroughly use everything I have been given for this life, I should be all used up when it’s over.To grow Spiritually

… I have participated in religion all of my life, however I can only claim a few times of actual active spiritual practice. In the past two year I’ve opened my heart and each moment I desire to be conscious of my soul and my connection to God.To be Independent

… I contemplate independence and to me that means I am not dependent on food, beverage, herb, people or any other substance for my stability, peace of mind, for my happiness.To Facilitate Healing

…Seems to me that the medical industry of America, is just that, an industry. The counseling and psychiatry may be doing some good but people just want to get a pill and keep it pushing. On the other hand there is a movement of people who are aware of good health and actual healing. I am intensely interested in psychological illnesses, pains and damages. I desire to combine my love of art and my desire to heal and to add impetus to that energy flow of healing that is growing.

My Story: Intro

My "Cousin" Joaquima

When I started this blog I had intended for it to be transparent.  As in I had thought I would share my thoughts you the real ones that seem to make you vulnerable and uncomfortable?  Yeah that was what I‘d intended to do.  Somehow I just never got around to it.  There was opportunity with that first post, about my painting, but I left out the hard parts that would be a little uncomfortable to share with just anybody.  My desire is to just be honest and real, so here it is.
The reason the first painting is significant is because it marks the beginning of my use of art to explore and heal myself.  In 2006 I decided to go natural, for a black woman this a big deal because wearing our natural hair is not a typically accepted look.  Most of us have extensions in our hair such as braids and weaves or our hair is straightened chemically. The natural texture of our hair is just not considered beautiful to a lot of us.  I have a play cousin, whom I hadn’t seen in a really long time and when I saw her the summer of 2006, she had this gorgeous, luscious afro. I was affected, in that moment I thought, “this is what I want to look like.”  I started doing research and found that there was an entire community of brown skin ladies with unruly hair who were embracing their unique beauty.  So after a couple of days of looking at websites and reading personal stories I thought I was set to go and so I told my mother that I was going natural.  Her face  told me clearly she thought this was a horrible idea.    She was against the idea and it was clear that I would have no support from her. I didn’t care I was going to do it I figured it was my head and I could do whatever the heck I  liked with it.
I would never have guessed that, that one decision would lead to the realization that I didn’t love my-self. The first painting I posted (Red Lilly) is significant because it marks the beginning of my use of art to explore and heal myself.  During my second quarter in advanced painting I decided to paint myself. First so that I could actually see myself, see what I looked like focus on my body and learn to love what was there, however it was.  So that is what I did for the next two years. I had this idea that I would have lilies in every painting and that when I felt that I was just as beautiful as the flowers then maybe the series would be finished.  I soon left the flowers out and focused on creating a love language to myself in beautiful color on canvas.  I wasn’t worried about any rules of the art world or what anyone would think, not my family, not my peers or my professor.  I just wanted to love my-self.
What’s even more interesting is that this journey led to me questioning my eating habits, my exercise habits, my spiritual beliefs and my relationships.  I will of course get into all of those things in later posts.

My "Cousin" Joaquima

My "Cousin" Joaquima